If You’re Still Poor After 300 Years, You Deserve to Be Staked.

Let’s get one thing straight: you’ve had three entire centuries, and you’re still broke?

Darling, that’s not tragic—it’s embarrassing.

Vampires are supposed to be the epitome of cunning, charm, and timeless sophistication. Yet somehow, we keep encountering the same dreary trope: the centuries-old immortal who’s squatting in some abandoned attic, whining about how hard it is to open a Roth IRA when you don’t age. Boo-hoo.

Here’s the truth: if you’ve been alive since powdered wigs and chamber pots, and you don’t own at least one crumbling castle, a diversified portfolio, and a secret Swiss vault, you’re not mysterious—you’re incompetent.

Think about it. You’ve had:

• The Renaissance (patronage!)

• The Industrial Revolution (investments!)

• The 1980s (cocaine and insider trading!)

And yet you’re still lurking around in the sewer like Nosferatu on food stamps? Please.

Great vampires play the long game. They collect art before it’s priceless. They marry, murder, and inherit. They buy Manhattan in 1762 and sell it in 1929. They know when to strike—figuratively and financially.

If you’ve been undead this long and still can’t afford a proper velvet cloak, perhaps you deserve a good old-fashioned staking. Not out of malice, of course—purely on principle.